Few people are gifted with innate charisma. Those who do, command attention wherever they go, and achieve more because of it. A few names may spring to mind in business, politics or sport who have this personality ‘gift’, and probably some close friends or colleagues too.
However, most people simply have to learn to be more assertive to achieve the results they want, from negotiating their salary or a discount on a purchase, to making faster progress in their career.
The reality is that the more at ease you are with yourself and your environment, the more assertive you’ll feel, sometimes to the point of being perceived as arrogant or difficult to work with.
To women in the corporate workplace, that’s a familiar scenario, with many of their male counterparts being positively territorial over what they consider their natural domain, and not being shy about letting everyone know it.
And while you can legislate against sexism in the workplace, you can’t completely eradicate it. The restructuring which has followed in the wake of the recent financial downturn has created an even more competitive workplace environment, as workforces shrink and perceived pressure grows to protect individual ‘territories’.
Under these conditions, if you aren’t able to stand up and stand out amongst your colleagues, it can be easy to get lost in the crowd, to have your thoughts and ideas ignored, watered down or altered beyond recognition … even when your suggestions are the ideal solution to the problem at hand.
Over time, such an environment can erode your self-confidence, making you shy away from standing up for yourself and your ideas, which then affects the likelihood of significant career progression.
To deal with this, some women ‘harden up’, trying to be more like men, instead of recognising that their own qualities and attributes are just as valid and important. Long term success comes from using and feeling positive about your individual strengths, not by pretending to be someone you’re not.
So how can you make assertiveness work for you?
- Assertiveness can be subtle. As a woman, your strength lies in persuasion rather than confrontation, your ability to ‘carry’ people with you rather than forcing them to do what you want, so that they see you as an ally to be sought out, not an adversary to be overcome.
By asking for others’ help and opinions, and making people feel that what they think and do matters, you will open the door to collaboration. Start building relationships based on mutual support and recognition, and you’ll be amazed at the results.
- Play to your strengths. Get to know what you’re good at, where you need support and what you need to delegate.
If you aren’t comfortable speaking in front of others, a course in public speaking will help you to communicate with and engage your audience more effectively. Or you could try voice coaching, to help ‘strengthen’ your voice, so that you present your arguments more convincingly.
Alternatively, don’t struggle trying to fix what you’re not good at, and focus on what you do well instead. You know what you are capable of achieving, so don’t feel you have to constantly prove your worth to others – just focus on delivering great work. Once you stop comparing yourself with others, not only will you reduce pressure on yourself, but you will feel free to get on with what you excel at.
- Bring your personality into play. Don’t send out conflicting messages about who are you and what you are about. Consider for example the way you dress and act. If you look and feel professional, others will automatically sit up and take notice. With some researchers believing that only 7% of human communication is down to words, it’s important to make sure that the way you look and behave corresponds with the message you want to send out, and that it helps to build rather than undermine your credibility.
Another tip for being taken seriously, is to learn to call up the positive emotions you felt on achieving a previous success, not necessarily work-related, whenever you feel under pressure. It’s not just being good at what you do that generates confidence – it’s being aware of how good you are, so hold on to the sense of pride and achievement you have felt on those occasions, and try to remember how you looked and sounded.
- Find your role models. It’s sometimes easy to believe that you are alone in lacking confidence and assertiveness, however illogical that is. But if you can find others who have faced similar challenges, and have overcome them, it becomes easier to imagine that you too can find ways of dealing with your particular issues. Who do you admire and respect in your own life, whether at work or among family and friends? The chances are they exude calm, competence, positivity and resourcefulness, which we translate as effortless confidence. How do they do that? How do they make you raise your own standards and expectations? Observe and learn.
If you can’t find a real life role model, look out for the many inspirational people and their stories – in books, magazines, news articles – that can help you recognise and make the most of your own abilities and potential.
- Practise standing your ground. For many women, giving in to others’ point of view, just to keep the peace or avoid complications, becomes a habit. Ever the pragmatists, it just isn’t worth the effort to offer up an alternative point of view, let alone fight your corner. So find opportunities in daily life to do just that. The more you practice the easier it will become.
Next time you’re asked to man a stall at the school fete when you had planned to go shopping, or to go for drinks when you were looking forward to curling up with your new book, or to take on yet another task at work when you’re struggling with the ones you already have, try saying a polite no. Co-operation isn’t the same as simply rolling over and doing what others want.
So you see, assertiveness doesn’t require you to be arrogant or aggressive, just to believe that what you say and want has value, whether that’s based on your ability, or simply your preferences. If you recognise and remember that, you will be able to apply your own unique talents in ways that will make you a more powerful force, whatever environment you find yourself in.
In any situation, it is better to be your imperfect self that a perfect replica of someone else. Embrace your uniqueness.
About the author:
Maite Barón is a multi-award winning author, passionate about courageous leadership, happiness and wellbeing. She is a co-founder of The Corporate Escape™, which specialises in helping professionals rekindle their passion for life and reinvent themselves. She’s an international speaker and a regular contributor to the influential Huffington Post, Global Banking and Finance Review (GBFR) and Entrepreneur.
